Like Spring!

Sunday afternoon, four p.m., gloriously light outside. Yesterday I went for a run, my first in ages, down Eastern Parkway. I made it three and a half miles, and today I have that full-of-lactic-acid, pleasantly-eighty-years-old feeling in my legs. I'm excited about running. Jessica and I are going to do some road races later this spring. I'm going to do a 10k in May! Woo. Yay exercise. I forgot how good running felt. Yesterday night after having dinner with Anna in the Village all I wanted to do was walk around. Spring in the air and everybody starting to check everybody else out, come alive. Not like it won't get cold again, 'cause it will, but something's shifted. I love that. I love it when the weather, or anything, makes everybody feel a little bit the same way at the same time.

I don't know for sure but I think I might stop blogging here for a while. I counted, and there are five places where I'm blogging right now. It's too much. Also the world is starting to feel smaller again, which isn't a bad thing, but which always makes me less inclined to address strangers like I've got something to say. So, you know, call me or write me a letter or something. I still want to be in touch. And maybe I'll see you back here, later. In the meantime, live it up this spring, you've earned it.

Burnt, Grumbling

So I'm officially burnt out at work.

It's funny, when I thought about burnout, I assumed it would happen as a result of having way too much to do. And I guess it can. This one's different, though; it's the burn-out of boredom and repetition. Of disengagement. Of I-just-can't-bring-myself-to-read-another-blogpost. Something like that. I'm sitting here this afternoon and reading over my to-do lists and, well, it seems that there's nothing to do. Nothing that needs to be done. So I sit here and work on my own little stuff a bit, but feel a constant low-grade guilt about it. Eucch. Work's been mellow and easy and completely, almost freakishly non-stressful but, oddly, that's causing its own kind of anxiety. The anxiety of worrying if I'm stagnant? Something like that. I boing back and forth between thoughts of 'I really need to move on' and 'don't be a quitter, you should get yourself more engaged with what yr doing; engagement comes from within, after all!' Or maybe that's just a way of coating the fear that what's next will be worse somehow. Fear of the challenges that I also, at the same time, want? That sounds more likely.

Human growth is a real goddammer!

I've had a lot of stuff on my mind lately. I'm revisiting my favorite guru, Karen Horney. Reading "Our Inner Conflicts." Another really great book (in addition to Gravity's Rainbow) to read on the subway for the looks you get from people. It's like having a harsh German therapist at your beck and call. And I have a real therapist, who is neither German nor harsh, but who is making me think, as well. And I'm going through this year-anniversary introspection about New York and about this job. Ah, introspection. This girl's greatest strength and her greatest weakness.

Things To Write About Soon:

1. Home, idea of.

2. Better, feeling.

3. Art, enjoying.

4. Work, short pieces about for the thing.

Rain is pelting New York City today. Although I think that this rain would be superb as a snowstorm, I'm not even all that sorry anymore that it isn't. I'm ready for spring. Spring is going to be so damn cool.